Sunday, March 9, 2008

Suffering? I think not.

Before motherhood, I was a violent crimes prosecutor in DC. My
experience there informs me so much. I dealt with innocent
victims who, for no good reason, were shot, stabbed, set on fire,
thrown out of windows or moving cars, maimed, sexually assaulted, and
murdered. To me, that's suffering.

I also experienced a life-changing injury to both arms, which left me
in chronic phyiscal pain.

Whether one continues to suffer the pain of infertility - or indeed,
whether one suffers during treatment, is not an absoulte given. At
the risk of being kicked in the teeth for saying this, suffering, to
a large extent (IMHO), is a choice. What is is what is - the
suffering comes (for me) in not accepting what is and dwelling it
what might have been or in the "unfairness" of it all. I think the
Buddists have alot to say on this topic...

Today, this day, is all I have. I will not suffer in it. I choose
not to define myself as a victim of chronic physical pain, of someone
who is less than because I am less than physically able or because
I "suffer" chronic physical pain. It is what it is, no more no
less. I will not define myself as an infertile woman, though I am -
it is what it is and in the grand scheme of my life, it is the least
of my worries. I will not lie, and hide and be ashamed for that
which I have no control and could give a chicken sneeze about what
anybody thinks about me or my fertility, or my lack thereof...When I
stand in judgment before God, I can ask him about the cruel joke he
played on me, just as he is kicking me in the pants for the lost
moments of my life, moments lost in suffering.

I do not minimize what others feel - but as has been said many times
of late, we are all different - and it may be that you will feel
perfectly "normal" in the future, if you are free in your heart to
choose it.

Real suffering is something else, entirely.

Great book, by the way - the Feeling Good Handbook - a primer in
cognitive behavioral therapy and how are thoughts create our feelings
(not the other way around).

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