Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I feel pretty good about drugs in the water, actually

In the last day or two there has been a flurry of discussion about recent findings that there are measurable amounts of prescription and over the counter drugs to be found in many municipal water supplies. No one has mentioned the grand amounts of cocaine, heroin and mary jane that are invariably flushed down the potty every day as search warrants are being executed and mortified parents are rummaging through their teenagers' rooms and discovering bags of unknown powdery and leafy substances stuffed inside of camouflaged books' secret compartments.

In any case, I personally was relieved to hear that there are copious quantities of drugs dripping out of my faucet into our families meals and into my children's sippy cups. It's so cool that we can bath and shower in them, too. While I have dutifully been doing my fair share to boost the country's GNP by purchasing a wide variety of products of medicinal value, I can honestly and finally go along with Target's slogan: Get More. Pay Less.

Never again will I have to buy an OTC med. I won't be in pain ever again either, and neither will anyone in my family. What with aspirin, tylenol, ibuprofin, sodium naproxen, percocet, vicadin and the like lowing freely, we should be able to sustain some fairly serious injuries and not feel a thing. Even more exciting for me, is that I shall no longer experience depression. According to my calculations, there should be enough Prozac and Zoloft and Lithium washing over and through me that my mood should be pure sunshine, 365 days a year. What a relief.

I am also overjoyed to know that because of the free narcotics, antibiotics, antifungals, anticoagulants, anti-thrombotic, anti psychotic, psychotropic, antiarrhythmics, and the endless list of other "anti" medication, I can passively be "pro" just about anything and secure myself a place in the Guinness Book of World Records as "The Oldest Living Person in the World Who Avoided All Normal and Abnormal Medical Conditions and Disease by Drinking Tap Water." I will never again loose another moment's rest wondering whether I will develop heart disease, liver disease or diverticulitis. I am truly free.

The other exciting thing about drugs in the water is that everyone I know who reads the multi-page package insert from front to back in two languages will have a lot more free time and save years of eye strain. No one will be burdened with reading the microscopic pale-shaded font of the package insert to determine the "Generic Name, Chemical Formula, Routes of Administration, Clinical Pharmacology, Indications and Dosage, Side Effects and Interactions, Warnings and Precautions, Overdosage and Contra-Indications, and Elimination Half-Life." No need to read since there's no way to know or control what I little wonder pill I'm digesting in my tap water, lemonade or Starbuck's coffee. Just drink a lot everyday and I should get a pretty well-balanced "diet," eh?

Best of all, I can just stop wasting money by medicinal remedies for my family. I cannot even believe that I once considered moving to a remote mountain cabin with water supplied by an unspoiled mountain stream freshly fed by melting ancient glaciers born about the time the dinosaurs began to disappear. Give up all this free medicine in the municipal drinking water? No way.

As for the fam, I'll just tell them: "Sick? In Pain? Infected? No worries, have a glass of water or two and call me in the morning."

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